Part 1
I do not remember much from my school days, most of what I remember is all the anxiety the school evoked. I remember the feelings from when I started in kindergarten .. I was terrified every day .. I thought it was terribly awful to go to kindergarten. I think it was when I started kindergarten that my anxiety started .. I remember the sore head and stomach ache I got every morning .. But since I was six years old I did not understand that it was because I was so anxious and tense that I got this pain..I was so young I did not understand at all what the anxiety was .. I did not like being with the other kids and did not want go to kindergarten .. I told my parents how much it hurt in the stomach, and they became worried and took me to the health center. As so clearly could not find any fault as it was because of the anxiety that my stomach hurt. After a while, my parents stopped believing that I had a stomach ache and began forcing me back to kindergarten.
When I was six, I started to say I was in pain all over the place to avoid having to go to kindergarten .. I still remember how awful it felt to be so pain and that no one believed me. That no one knew how bad I was feeling. That no one realized that I had actually pain for real .. My anxiety continued to be by my side, through the low and middle school. I still had pain in the stomach and head, and I still had no idea why. The nagging anxiety in the chest began to become stronger and more frequent, resulting in that I started to cut class from school, I used to "pretend" to be sick to stay at home or go home early. When I started middle school began my absence from school noticed and Child and Adolescent Psychiatry was connected.
In psychiatry, I was told that everything was alright and that everything was normal .. What I did not know was that my stomach pain and the strange uncomfortable feeling I had inside me, the feeling of being eaten from the inside, was anxiety, and that it could be better. Sure they might not be telling a ten year old that it has anxiety. But I spent four years with having anxiety that worsened each year, at the time I thought it was normal and that it should be so. That it was right to be in such constant pain .. It was somewhere in elementary school that I started to hurt myself .. I noticed that I lost a bit of all warring feelings I had inside of me when I hit my fist hard into the wall .. When I had no wall around, I was biting my arm or hand .
The physical pain seemed to dampen the feelings I had inside of me .. I do not know how it came about that I took the step to cut myself. But the anxiety just became stronger and stronger and then also my need to suppress and stop the feelings I hurt myself with sharp objects, hitting myself with hard things, or pounded my head against the wall. The more anxiety I got the more I hurt myself, and the more I injured myself the more anxiety I got .. The anxiety was developed for the worse and it started talking to me, little voices in my head that talked about how useless I was, that no one wanted me and that I did not deserve to live .. This meant that I was deeply depressed.

Part 2

I felt so useless .. I hated myself more than anything else on earth. I hated myself because I lived and plagued the lives of all who came in my way, I hated myself because I was so ugly and disappointing .. I hated everything that had to do with me .. I felt that there was nobody in the world who liked me. All self-hatred blinded me so I could not see that my family and my friends all loved me .. my self-harming had by now reached the stage where I started cutting myself. But my self-destructive behavior did not stop at that. I had started smoking just 13 years old and I lost my virginity not long after that, with a guy almost twice as old as me.
I discovered that these guys wanted me, guys saw me. I also noticed that it was easy to let them take advantage of me. I started having sex with guys and let them use me to reach the seen show that I was indeed something to have. If they wanted to have sex with me, I could not be so horrible? My school year consists of cigarettes, sex and razor .. It's crazy how many creeps who used me ..
I really hate that nobody said no .. Most of them were actually adults, and should have realized that everything was not right. I mean a 13 year old who is not a virgin? a 14-year old with wounds all over her body? a 15 year old who has had more sexual partners than a 30 year old? how can you even have sex with a 13 year old? I mean no one I had sex with was under 18 years old, was the idea of a virgin who was attractive? I used to say I was a virgin, though I was not at first because I was so ashamed of myself ..
I think some noticed that I was not a virgin but they might like to believe that I was .. The guys seemed to get horny at the idea of taking my virginity so I let several of them do it .. During those years, I let myself be used I acquired a couple relationship with really stupid guys .. violent guys, guys with alcohol and drug abuse .. Guys as I told myself that I deserved to be forced to be with .. During my years in high school I did a lot of stupid things that I regret. I let the anxiety control my life. I let the anxiety take over completely.
I obeyed my impulses I totally ignored the school. It just gave me anxiety anyway so why bother to go there? It hurt so much to be there, it was better to self-torment me in an understandable manner .. And the Child and Youth Psychiatry was of course of no help now either .. I do not know if they were trying to help me and I ran away from help or if I did not get any help .. I can not remember that they did so much more than forcing me there and talk 1-2 times a week. I remember I had to be admitted to a psychiatric ward three times, they tried to get me to stay there but I completely refused for the most part.
But three times they managed to force me there .. I ran away quite fast .. I hated the place and even more I hated the staff .. There were a couple of guys there that really should not be working with people .. especially children suffering from mental problems .. They really scared the life out of me. They behaved very threatening towards me and the other patients. They were also very condescending.
Certainly not good qualities for someone who will work with a twelve year old girl with social phobia and low self-esteem. The threat of violence and talk about how all misbehaving children should get themselves a spanking so they learn, was not such a good tactic to make it easier for me to be with people. I can say that it just made my anxiety worse.
This probably sounds like something not dangerous for most, but I was really terrified of the 2 men who were there .. I really thought they would kill me if they got the chance. They always brought little comments that scared me. Although it was not addressed to me, I was really scared. They could sit and watch television, for example, in any police program where a villain has taken someone hostage and forcing them to drive the car. Could one hatch out of himself .. I could easily take him a slap in the temple and he would be in a coma.
Every night, I heard those comments played back in my head .. they also said things that hurt my already completely destroyed confidence. They suggested that I was bad because I did not manage to go to school like normal children, they suggested that I was ill-mannered and lazy. They talked about how bad would go for me in my life because I was "expecting to get everything on a silver platter," said they thought that I was stupid to think that I could sit at home lazy like me and still have money. .
What 12 year old needs to hear that?? the second time I was inside, one of them gave me a below the belt comment, by insulting my pets. "What the hell, disgusting asthma dog. It's those dogs that breathe so strange. "or "such a dog is just for old ladies." and "What a dork dog. It should be Fighting Dogs. "
Anyway after those admissions, I fought tooth and nail to not be admitted there again .. I think the only thing ruled on bup during my 8 years there was that I not had ADHD ..
What I do not understand is why they stuffed me so full of medications if they really felt that everything was perfectly normal as they continued to say in 7 of them 8 years, I was treated in child psychiatry .. However, when I read my journal after I stopped there it said that I have panic disorder, depression and "school phobia" which is basically social phobia. So much for everything being "normal".
did they not understand that the uncertainty about what my feelings came from made me feel worse? I've said it before and I'll say it again .. Child psychiatry had certainly been able to stop my illnesses if they just wanted to .. but it's easier to just write out a prescription for some medication and hope that they help instead of going through a lengthy investigation and proper treatment ..
But any treatment, I did not have, and my illness was to develop and get the full effect. When I finished high school I went out with failed in almost all subjects and 97% of absence. The only positive thing that happened over the years in high school was that I met my wonderful boyfriend, I was as usual looking to let myself be used by lots of guys, but he just was special .. He actually cared about me for real. he cared about me as a person and not as a sex toy .. We became friends, and two months later we were together and we are still together.

Part 3 -

it was when I met Jakob as my life got a meaning. When I met him, I discovered that there was a point in continuing to live. He has helped me a lot, and it's thanks to him that I'm still alive. He is the best thing that happened to me. He made me realize that it was worth fighting to get well. He made me see that there were beautiful things in life. Everything was no longer black. our love opened a window that let in a little light in all my darkness. He led me to believe that life can be good. He made me see that I deserved to be healthy, he helped me build self-confidence. He made me for the first time see a future.
That image of a future together with him made me start fighting .. our life is not perfect, I'm still not completely healthy, but we have come a long way .. my self-harming is almost completely gone. We have our wonderful cats and a nice apartment, and I love him more and more each passing day. He has been there so much for me, and he has been fighting with me to get rid of my self harm. He has seen me do things that no human being should have to see ..
But he has always stayed by my side. But as they say "Love conquers all" He has seen my anxiety in many different ways, I really wish he had not needed to see it, or the times he has left me in a treatment when I was on a hospital floor screaming and crying. Or all the times he had to come with me to the emergency room after my relapse into self harming. the times he had to dry my blood and my tears .. nobody should really have to do that kind of stuff .. I can not stand myself, so it's a wonder he does it .. He is my own little hero a lot has happened during those years we've been together.
First, right after high school, I started in a special class of people with similar problems as me. There, I started working on getting the grades in Swedish and English. where teachers were trained to deal with "problem children" like me ..I say "problem child" because that was what they called me when I was in high school .. There in the school that was in an apartment next to the real school, I felt for the first time that someone understood me. I got a lot of help and I was also able to study at my own pace, that is as much I managed without overloading me with anxiety. I went to school 2 days a week and 2 hours per day, and I was picked up by a teacher every morning so that I would not have to ride the bus to school, which meant that I could concentrate better on schoolwork. I went two years at the school and received a grade in both Swedish and English.
After that, I started on a "folk high school" to learn math, history more Swedish and English and even some music .. I went there for 2 weeks then I got pneumonia. When I came back after a week sick, the teacher behaved very badly. She did not believe that I have been sick, but thought I had skipped class. This resulted in that I got an anxiety attack and she yelled at me in front of the whole class because I could not pull myself together ..
So I stopped there and began to focus on dealing with my anxiety disorder instead, because it became clear that I would not be able to attend school full time before I got well .. So last year I have been in the queue for treatment .. it has not happened much in the mental health system but I hope they can help get it all on soon .. I want to be healthy now now now ....I'm fucking tired of anxiety, depression and panic attacks, I really want it to disappear. someone should invent a miracle cure that will remove all the crap .. Especially considering medications are the only mental health system has to offer .. I am atleast happy that I with the help of Jacob manages to take me out of self harm .. it is fortunate that I met someone who could help me .. The next step is to fight against anxiety and might be able to walk out of the apartment once in a while ..

Part 4

In 2010, I am 20 years old and has been on sick leave for a few years. I am went with a psychologist where I live who suspect that I have a borderline personality disorder. It is still not much happening. I am medicated and I see my doctor no more than 2 times a year due to lack of time in the  psychiatry. But I get atleast a referral to a "diagnostic study". I undergo investigation and becomes diagnosed with Asperger's, ADD, GAD, panic attacks and Atypical Depression. The doctor who diagnosed me tell you they are ADHD meds to try to help me feel better. She directs me to my own doctor for a prescription.
I am applying directly for a medical appointment with my doctor. But waiting times are long. They take more than six months to get an appointment. I get a prescription in hand and sends home with the promise of follow-up after one week. Medicine does not work at all and weeks go by without my doctor contacting me. The weeks turn into months, and still heard nothing. 10 months have passed since I got my diagnosis when I contact the health hotline and ask them to nag at my doctor. He then sends a new prescription with my psychologist. So now I have a new medication to try.
I feel weird. But now I have atleast one answer which I have so long been looking for. Most of all, I am disappointed when I think about all the help I could have get from school if I had been diagnosed in time. I could have had access to special schools, assistants, and not least of all, I had been understood.
Not knowing have long chipped away at me. I feel better now that I know what is wrong. I have regained a little hope that in the future I will be able to get help. Now when there is a diagnosis to work with. Everything is now hanging on the psychiatry to shape up and sets about their problems. For right now it does not work ..

-Part 5 The year is now 2012, My mother has just died. I think a lot about why so much seems to strike at me. I never expected that life should be easy, but this hard? Have all so much crap in their lives? I miss my mom so much. How can you die in your sleep when you're 43 years old and has never been sick?
Is this some revenge from some higher powers against me because I'm such a bad person? Is it because I can not work? because I can not take care of myself? Why can I not have a normal life? I'm still sick and have in the current situation no medications. For those do not seem to work for me.
There is talk of maybe I should get housing. I feel scared. Just the thought of strangers to come into my home and move my stuff. People who I have to talk to and be with all alone. I get so nervous that I almost throw up just thinking about the idea. My psychologist has changed jobs so I stand right now without any psychologist contact. But I have made contact with a therapist instead.

-Part 6
Life rolls on. It's been almost ten months since my mother died. I am still fighting all I can.
At Christmas, I had a relapse in my self-injury, having been self-harm free in almost two years.
  I write a lot to sort out my thoughts and feelings. After mom's death, I have been very afraid of losing someone or something that I love. Death is constantly in my thoughts. Just after mom passed away, I was very worried and I woke up several times every night to walk around and check so all the animals, and Jacob was still alive. To see if Jacob is still alive are still the first thing I check when I go into the bedroom and Jacob sleeps.
Having lost my mom is very heavy. But I focus on challenging myself. I struggle with trying to teach me to be in the grocery stores and I try to take my driving license, I also spend more time with family and I meet the occupational therapist every two to three weeks. There are quite a lot of talk about starting the DBT. But I'm still not "fit enough" to cope with the challenge.
When I get a driver's license, it will probably go a little easier, because one of the more difficult parts of starting the DBT disappears, namely to take the bus all by himself.
Just like everyone, I have both good and bad days and I really try to take advantage of all the good and wonderful moments that I get to experience.

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