I chose to write a post that is mighty hard for me to write, because I know there are many who will recognize themselves and who probably feel very alone. It did anyway.

When I started to self harm, I had never heard of the phenomenon of cutting yourself. I had never seen or heard about someone who hurt themselves on purpose. I thought I was really weird, and when it was no longer adequate to hurt me by beating and cutting myself so I started to self harm me by letting be me sexually exploited.
It probably sounds really weird. How could it be so?
I do not know. I was young, shy and unsure of myself. I hated myself and my body, and when I was in high school, I felt the worst I started to "lend out" my body.

I did not want it so the guys who wanted it could have it. It was purely disgusting and dirty torture for my soul.
It was the humiliation that I felt that I deserved, and sex was the only thing I was good enough at.
At school I was invisible, incompetent and maladjusted. But in my sex-self-harming, I had an identity. where I was and where I was seen.
It became a destructive spiral where I hated myself felt worthless and disgusting, I'm sexself injured to seek some form of anxiety relief by punishing myself because I'm so nauseous and unwanted while so I imagined myself that I was coveted and that I mattered when these men wanted me, afterwards, I often felt even dirtier, more disgusting and stupid and so began all over again.

I never understood why I did what I did.

Even today I am ashamed of what I did to myself. Maybe because I put all the blame on myself because I did not understand my behavior and even today find it difficult to understand how it could be like it was.
I have so many mental scars from everything I subjected myself to.
I'm still feel terribly bad about everything that happened.

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